Hey trucking nation. We hope you’re prepared to ward off the spirits, because Halloween is only a few days away. It might be hard to celebrate Halloween on the road because DOT agents won’t appreciate it if you drive with a mask on. Also, jumping out to scare people at your favorite truck stop may be frowned upon.
However, to give you a truly scary Halloween we interviewed BadTruckAdvice. Simply follow his tips and tricks for a scary day that you will never forget. All of the questions were answered by the Twitter legend himself, though his advice should probably be followed with a little caution.
Bad Trucker Advice
1. What should you do if you can’t see when backing up?
-Back up until you hit something, then pull up and try again.
2. When should you file your IFTA return?
-I leave that to my cousin, Trey. He’s all kinds of smart. I just give him my shoebox of fuel receipts, he’ll shake it, then tell me how much. I pay him cash and he takes care of the rest. He’s so good at it, I don’t even need one of them IFTA stickers on my truck!
3. How do you track your fuel and distance records for IFTA?
-Trey put one of them GPS thingies on my truck. Looks like an old solar calculator, but it just sticks to my dash with some double-sided tape.
4. What do you think of the ELD mandate?
-I love ’em! The fella at the Verizon store gave me a wizbang one that does the Netflix and the Hulu. I ain’t understanding how them other drivers are all against them. I mean, I can watch “Dukes of Hazzard” while driving, now!
5. What’s the best trucker diet on the road?
-It’s hard to balance between things that get you the runs, the heartburn, or the cramps. But I prefer Slim Jim’s, Doritos, Taco Bell, and plenty of McDonald’s. Ain’t nothing better than mixing BBQ and Sweet and Sour for your nuggets!
6. What do you do when you need to use the bathroom but there’s no truck stop parking?
-There are drains between the pumps that work in a pinch. Just be sure to stand on that catwalk behind the cab in case the driver moves his truck. Don’t want y’all gettin’ run over.
7. What do you do when you know your delivery is going to be late?
-I take out my dog’s logbook and use his driveline. I hate being late, I hate anything that is late. I mean, I done broke up with my high-school sweetheart cause she told me she was late. Didn’t know what she was late for, but hate “late” so much it don’t matter.
8. What’s your advice for working with dispatchers?
-Never forget there’s a “Driver Shortage”, not a “Dispatcher Shortage”. He can get replaced, you can’t. Let him know who’s in charge, keep him in line, and always threaten to park your truck in his office if he gives you guff.
9. What’s the best way to protect yourself on the road?
-Find an ugly woman and have her ride with you. If she’s ugly enough, ain’t no one gonna bother you none.
10. What should rookies learn quickly after CDL school?
-There ain’t no school, what’re you talking about?
About Bad Truck Advice
-I’m old enough to know better and young enough to not care. Been driving since my feet touched the hammer. I’ve been up and down all the roads you can imagine hauling all the freight there is, ice roads, dirt roads, silk roads… My CB handle used to be “Marco Polo”. Nowadays people just call me “BTA”. Guess it means something cool, like. But I done found this “Twitter” thing and am enjoying sharing my hard-learned lessons with them younger shifter jockeys. Hammer down, roll coal, just keep on truckin’!
We hope you have a happy Halloween. You can follow this bad trucking advice for a terrifying day, or at least watch a scary movie in your rig. For more bad trucking advice follow @badtruckadvice on twitter.